This is a personal story about caring for a dying parent. The death of a parent is inevitable, but we don’t talk about it. So let’s do that. Let’s talk about it.
My name is Sher Bailey and I’m going to share with you what it feels like to care for a dying parent at the end of their life. This will be a painful post to write, and it may be painful for you to read. But it’s an important conversation to have with yourself before it happens. If you’ve already lost a parent, I encourage you to read on and share your personal experiences if you’d like.
Caring for a Dying Parent In Their Last Days
There is no guidebook here. There are no rules a dying parent has to abide by, and none for you either. Death is a very personal experience between the dying and their loved ones. This is my personal experience. I hope you can take something from it that will help when you walk this path.
Before I begin, I want you to know the last thing my mother said to me as she was moving from consciousness to unconsciousness. “I wish I’d been happier.”
Without question, those 5 words are some of the most painful, life-changing things anyone has ever said to me. I hope you’ll remember them, as I do, and take whatever action you need to take in your own life so that they won’t be your last.
Their death process is your experience, too.
Your parent is dying, but as you walk with them you’ll realize it’s almost as much about you as about them. Your parents brought you into this life and so as they leave it, you will undergo a change that gets to the very core of who you are. Be attentive. Listen to their stories. Commit their words to heart.
There will be things your parent says or does during this time that will come out of nowhere and break your heart. It could be a sweet story they remember, or it could be something completely honest and raw, like my Mother’s words. The filters we all try to have as we walk through life don’t matter to the dying. If you’re afraid you’ll forget, write them down.
You become the parent, and they the child.
I took care of her, changed her, bathed her, fed her. I stroked her forehead and calmed her anxiety. I gave her medicine and held bottles of water while she sipped.
The circle of life is never more evident as when you become the one your dying parent looks to for comfort. When they are afraid, you are there to comfort them. You’ll say a lot of things you’re not sure about, but you do the best you can. You can’t get this wrong if your choices come from a place of love.
You’ll find yourself watching them as they sleep.
Mother slept while I sat at her bedside. She liked knowing I was there, I could tell by the look in her eyes. Honestly, I was afraid to move for fear she’d wake up. It was as though I was back at my daughter’s crib in that respect.
Watching her chest move up and down was comforting to me. I wouldn’t have been anywhere else.
Their confusion will be hard.
There were strong meds which caused her confusion, but it was more than that. Mother’s mind was elsewhere. Sometimes she knew where she was, and others she didn’t. I went wherever her mind went. If she was in a garden, I went with her there. If she was talking to my brother who hadn’t yet arrived, I confirmed to her that he was in fact in the house. I never tried to correct her.
Your dying parent will move back and forth between this world and the next.
Dying is work, and Mother had a lot of work to do. I would see and hear her talking to people not meant for my eyes. And then she’d be present with me again, but only for brief interactions.
Sometimes she’d look in a particular part of the room and explain what was there. “There is a pretty lady with lights all around her, ” she told me. “There are lights everywhere!” she said as she waved her arms around to show me how many there were.
It becomes plain to see that a body is only a vessel.
As her body weakened and stopped functioning normally, I had to come to terms with what that looks like. When you sit with your parent as they are preparing for their journey, there are almost imperceivable little changes that happen to their physical body. And then suddenly, you see what’s happened in its entirety and it takes your breath a little.
You may have relationship issues to deal with.
Our dynamic was not good. I was a great disappointment to her, and it was easy for her to tell me so. I remember the last time she sat in her wheelchair. I put my head on her lap and sobbed harder than I’ve ever cried or seen anyone cry.
My sobs were guttural and uncontrollable, and she put her hand on my head to pat it as best she could. In the midst of my anguish, I cried out to her again and again, “I’m so sorry, Mother. I’m so sorry I was a bad daughter.”
I continue to struggle with this, to be honest. I wish I had a checklist of good things I’d done alongside the “bad” things. Truth is it probably wouldn’t matter. When your heart breaks, you can stitch it up. But, the scar will always be there.
When an estranged parent dies, they get to leave the demons that haunted them on Earth behind. Ours stay with us, always at the ready to come out and force remembering.
When your parent is dying, you realize you are not immortal.
I watched death come for her, settle in her room, and wait quietly until she was ready. It didn’t wrestle her life away from her. Sometimes I hoped my death would be like hers. When it got more challenging, I hoped it wouldn’t.
When a parent dies you can’t help but think of your own death someday. You wonder if this is how it will go for you, and what will happen with your own children if you have any. Will they be there with you? What can you do to make it less traumatic for them?
You’ll search for yourself in your dying parent’s face.
That’s what I did. Her nose was my nose. Her smile, crooked on one side so that lipstick never looked quite right, was my smile. Her small hands were my hands, although hers were painfully gnarled by arthritis and were adorned by a single ring she wore on her thumb.
I remembered being in church as a little girl, Mother holding my little fingers in hers as our Southern Baptist preacher railed against the devil from his pulpit. Her nails were always long and manicured and I loved running my fingers across them. I dreamed of the day I’d have long, red nails, too.
The exhaustion will be merciless.
My family and the hospice team were adamant that I eat and sleep, and they told me that as often as they could get the words out. That seemed impossibly ridiculous to me. How could I sleep? What if she looked over at the chair beside her bed and I wasn’t there? Even worse, what if she passed away while I was in bed?
I would tell you not to do what I did, but you will. People will want you to rest, and you should listen to them. But, you won’t. I finally made my husband promise he would sit by her bed, watching her chest rising and falling, so I could take a 3-hour nap. He was under strict instruction to wake me if the slightest thing changed. You should try and do the same.
Be still.
You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Your dying parent will feel your spirit beside them and know they are in a safe space and well-loved.
I spent time letting my eyes settle on everything about her. Her face, her smile, the way her hair looked. I knew it would be my last looks, my last chance to see her in life.
Afterward.
I did my best. That’s all I can say. You’ll do your best.
Remember, you were present. You were filled with love. You were patient. Still, it won’t feel like enough.
There is no shortcut to get through this pain. If you can get to a therapist, I encourage you to do it. Lean on your loved ones as much as possible. Accept help.
After two years I can still hear the way she said my name. I worry I won’t be able to hear it forever.
This is the obituary I wrote about my mother after she died. She’d want me to share it. Mother loved being the center of attention. 🙂 I hope you’ll tell me about your mom or dad. I really want to read about your journey.
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802 comments on “Caring for a Dying Parent In Their Last Days – a Personal Story”
As I had always held my mommas hand. I took pictures of me holding her hand. But it hit me my mom didn’t want me there to see her die and this time for good as when she had stopped breathing 3 times earlier in the week. She wanted no one there. She went peacefully I was told. Now she can see and not battling dementia along with my dad and him not battling diabetes and cancer. Both days I will never forget. Wanting to go to their house or calling them, the first of everything that they’re not with us hurts.
Ms. Bailey, thank you for sharing your story and please accept my heartfelt condolences for the loss of your Mom. I lost my mother over 20 years ago and I’m still amazed at how often I compare myself to her. I like to think of myself as a mini-Mom. Unfortunately, I wasn’t with her when cancer took her from us. But I know her children were the last thing on her mind.
I just lost my Dad this past February due to a horrific car accident the prior July (2018). He was never able to fully walk again – and during his many hospital stays, developed complications. He was 87. My Dad has been my hero my Day 1. He lived in Florida; I live in Massachusetts. In our family, it was a given and understood that Dad and Paula (me) were a team. It was a given that I would be there for him – rain, shine, darkness, brightness – and once in a while the “swift kick in the ass” if he was acting like one 😉 I held his hand, I gave him leg massages, sponge baths, fed him, helped the nurses change him and turn him. He once asked if I minded seeing him in that condition (because he knew he was my hero and held in on a pedastel) – I reminded him that he took care of me when I needed him – now it was my turn to take care of him.
My stepsister and I brought him to Hospice together and stayed with him constantly as he was made comfortable. And you’re right – the hospice workers insisted on she and I getting our rest as best as possible. It was tough convincing them that I WAS quite comfortable sitting next to my Dad, holding his hand, and resting my head beside him on the bed. It’s where I belonged – it’s where I felt the safest (always!) – beside my Dad. I’ll never forget though – a funny little gesture of his. Whenever he would mentally acknowledge something by himself, I always noticed his eyebrows would go down ….. well, i had a confession to him on his death bed. My 43 year old niece, his granddaughter, was tragically killed in a car accident in November – and I insisted the family keep it from him – I didn’t want his physical therapy interrupted (he was trying to best to make progress at that time). While I watched him taking his last breaths, I confessed to him that he would be seeing his granddaughter when he got to Heaven – *eyebrows go down* …..(that made me chuckle a little during my confession) – I asked him to please don’t be upset with me – I thought it was the best decision at that time. I felt the slightest squeeze of my hand – so slight – like a butterfly wing touched my hand – and he took his last breath. As much as I miss him every day – I know I did right by being there for him and with him when he needed me most – and sent him off to be with Mom, Nana, Grandma, Grandpa … Ms. Bailey, please know that you’re not alone. For you to write this article, I feel you and I are kindred spirits. Please feel your inner strength and carry on with love in your heart – our parents would want us to continue to share our compassion towards others when we’re needed. Sending you blessings. <3
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I had been a full-time caregiver for my mom the past three years and then in May, for the safety of both her and I, she went into a skilled nursing facility. My relationship with her had been difficult when I was younger but over the years I had come to terms with the fact that she did the best she could with the tools she had in her belt. Now, my father, whom I have not seen since I was 13, is under Hospice care in a different nursing home and I am faced with going to see him, here at the end, to simply let him have some peace before he passes. I have no good advice to offer, but agree with what you have said about doing your best. I think deep down they know their own flaws and in the end, just want to know that it is ok to go and that we will be ok. Forgive them, and forgive yourself, and go forward with your best self for the next generation. ❤️
I did the same with my mom! I took care of her in her home & my 2 grandkids! she had Hospice care which was wonderful! Taking care of her & having no help for 10 months from my brother really changed my relationship with them! It will be 2 years in March & the experience still weighs heavy on my heart!
My pops passed away April of 2017.
We found out he had stage 4 esophageal cancer. He lasted almost 2 years, and did prettu ok with treatments. I am more holistic, and always was searching for the best tests and best remedies. It was almost like a second job to me. I have 4 brothers, 2 younger, 2 older…we are all still close. My parents were still married. My mom never worked, my dad took care of everything. He wasnt always easy to deal with, but he was also a big mushy teddy bear at heart. He worked hard all his life and would give the shirt off his back to anyone.
We knew his passing was near…he had told us he did not want to die in tbe hospital. Hospice would only come out if an emergency…they did not do daily care. And my mom needed help. We didnt know how long he would last once entering hospice and stopping treatments. I hired a home nurse care company who came out and helped her. He only lasted about a week.
In the month prior…we had been getting together at my folks house several times a week. As long as my dad was up for it, we had old neighbors by to visit ( and say their goodbyes) my dad enjoyed it but also said…” I dont want it to be a death visit” in other words, he loved the company, but didnt want it to simply because he was dying.
But…it was. And it was nice for all involved. He spent alot of his time sitting in a recliner in his room…but one day he told my mom he wanted to get in the bed. She knew that day, he would not get out of that bed ever again.
He got to the point he could no longer speak. He just laid there with his mouth open..but we knew he knew we were all there. His personal physician and a nurse from his drs office that just loved my dad, came to see him. Our pastor came…all my brothers were there, we allsat around his bed with him, sharing funny stories, laughing through tears. Once the hospice nurse told us it woukd be 12 to 24 hours before he passed, all my brothers and I stayed at the house…taking shifts sitting with him, and comforting mom. We had an angel woman who was a hospice nurse, and friend of one of my brothers, who came to our house and stayed with us the entire time. Administering dads meds as needed to keep him calm. She was an absolute Godsend. My mom came and woke me from a nap…and told me I nedded to come…it was about 4 or 5 am. Everyone was around his bed, crying. Praying. It was beautiful and gut wrenching all at once. I honestly do nit think it could have gone any better. If my dad had to choose, this would be what he wanted.
Make no mistake, he did not want to go. I could tell in the 2 months leading up to his passing, he was struggling with the idea of leaving my mom, and us. He had so much life left to live. That tore me up. But at some point he just had to let go. We kept telling him not to worry, we would take care of mom…and all would be ok. I wanted to tell him “please dont go”…but I had to be strong. It wasnt up to him. No sense in begging him. It still hurts badly. He was the head of our big family. He still is. We all just miss going to him for life advice, he always made us feel that as long as he was around, he had our back. No matter what. He was very loving and protective. When we lost him…my brothers and I reverted back to childhood. Even though were all in our 40s and 50s. We felt like little kids who just got separated from our dad at a large park. It was a heavy sense of loss and panic.
Like…now what???? Our mom also relied on him heavily, even tho my mom took care of my dad’s every need as far as cooking, cleaning, companionship…he handled ALL the bills…knew ( kinda) lol how to work the computer…knew how to take care of all the electrical gadgets in the house. So in a sense, she was also lost. They had been together since they were in their late teens. My dad was 74 when he passed. Its still hard to this day. My dad sends me white feathers. As a sign. And I did have a dream visitation from him. We were at our old childhood home, we were standing in front of eachother, I was balling my eyes out , my dad had tears in his eyes but was not balling. I put my hands on his face and asked him if he was ok…he smiled and said yes. I took him in the house to see my mom…she was beside herself, crying. He went to her and stood behind her ( she was sitting in a chair) and he stroked her neck. Then I woke up.
We still have weekly family nights at my moms…we dont always make it every week, but, there are usually a few of us that do. My youngest brother went thru a divorce after my dads passing, so he moved in with my mom, and his kids are there part time. My mom has ahuge house, so plenty of room. I. Just glad she has people there with her now. I used to hate leaving after a visit, seeing her standing on the porch, waving, knowing she walking back into an empty, quiet , big ole house.
My brother has been doing lots to help her. He fooks dinners and does maintenance around the house. So…its good. We are getting by, but, my pops is always with us.
Michelle Husken
I understand completely. I cared for my father and was with him at the end. I could feel his soul leave when he took his last breath. I studied him too. Even took a pic (which some may not understand.) The I combed his hair and removed his glasses before they took him.
Your story is a lot like mine. My dad got diagnosed with cancer August 11th, 2015. As we got some answer, not all we had to prepare for what was to come. I worked a full time job and was there 3 to 4 times a day making sure he got everything he needed. From water to meds. Five weeks later he became worse. He went in a hospice care center. My husband had to leave as his father was diagnosed with cancer 1 week after my dad. So here I am all alone to fight a fight I want ready for. September 17th my dad left his body and went to heaven. There is so much to this story but I know the pain. I am a different person now and will forever be a different person. I can’t explain it. Thanks for sharing your story. Hugs and prayers to you
We lost my dad last week, our journeys are so similar . My Daddy was an amazing man, always our protector , to see him frail and tired with leukemia taking over slowly taking this man we all adored was rhe hardest battle of my life. I am grateful to have been there , every minute of his 19 day journey . Only 19 days from diagnosis to death , yet the disease was so powerful in that short time , we are still in a state of disbelief. Leukemia? What ? How is this possible to just appear ! My daddy’s fought those 19 days for all of us, but the day came that we all told him it was on to let go, that we would all be ok, that we promised to always hold my moms hand the way he always did. We could see in his eyes how hard it was for him to leave us, he didn’t want to go, he would say to my mom “ let’s go, let’s go anywhere but please let’s just go” those words were hard to hear . My sister and I climbed into bed with him his last night in hospice , one of us on each side, holding his hands, watching his breaths so shallow, the hardest thing we ever did , but also the most wonderful. The nurse walked in while we were still in bed with him, with tears in her eyes , s…she only knew him a few days yet she looked at the picture on his bedside of a strong man with his three daughters and wife and told us, that is the man we should remember , not this poor skinny sick man. Our journey is just beginning …he will does we be a part of our hearts and lives, we just now have to decide what those days will look like without our daddy ..but one thing we know…his life changed each of us, he changed the lives of anyone he met, he was a good man, and losing him also changed each of us, his loss will remind each of us to be better , to live a life where we won’t have regrets when our day comes…that one day someone will shed tears for us and be able to say “ she was a wonderful person” just like the same words we hear everyday regarding our daddy’s impact on the world in which he lived…treasure all the moments becasue one day they will be the memories we cling too
Hi, I took care of my Husband, and my Dad as they passed. As i read your story i was taken back to that time. It’s been 4 yrs for my husband. And 2 yrs for my Daddy. The dying process must be about the same for most. You’re story was and could be mine. I thank God my daughter was with me both times. She is my rock. Because when things get scary she is in charge. I fall apart. Just know my heart is with yours. We share a similar story. I can’t hardly stand to think of letting my mom go one day. She is my last link to the past. It will be me and my brother. We are the end of the line for our family. Except for my two kids. I hate death! And i don’t look forward to it.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I went through some of the exact same feelings that you did. We had my mom for 97 years. I can also remember her taking my brother, sister and me to church every Sunday. I remember coming home and the time we three ladies spent in the kitchen preparing Sunday lunch together.
Where do I even start to talk about all the wonderful things she did? We were not a wealthy family by any means, but we were rich in the sense that she made sure we had all we needed. As she grew weaker in the last 6 months of her life, we siblings came to the realization that this was the beginning of the end here on earth for her. We had to face the reality. Mom always said that she never wanted to go to a nursing home. She never did. We did the same, bathing, feeding her, changing her. The last thing my mom said was to my brother. He said, “I love you, mom”. She said, “I love you too”. After that she closed her eyes and slept. My sister and I had turned and positioned her the night before. We both kissed her and told her goodnight. Nothing had changed in her breathing. The next morning my sister called me. She had passed away just as my sister came into her room the next morning.
We had a beautiful celebration of life for her. She loved us all, and that’s all we could have asked. By the way, my brother who was sick at the time passed away unexpectedly 18 days after my mom passed. I guess he was waiting to spend the last days with her. It was a hard experience, but it was a time of loving on her, singing to her and letting her know we were there. I will always cherish those moments.
I am so sorry for your loss.
My sweet Daddy is in end of life comfort care. My parents have lived with my husband and me for 6 years. For the last year, my Dad has continued to decline drastically. My mom was able to get him in to a nursing home. She was not sleeping and had to do everything for my dad. It has been heart wrenching to watch him slowly get weaker and more frail.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
I became so emotional reading this article & yet I wish I had read this prior to my mother’s death, five years ago.
Thank you for sharing your story. I would like to share mine with you, but it will have to wait a little, because it to hard to put into a few paragraphs.
I will put my story out, and I will share it with you.
Thank you you’re words were like mine.
Thank you for sharing your story. I would like to share mine with you, but it will have to wait a little, because it to hard to put into a few paragraphs.
I will put my story out, and I will share it with you.
Thank you
I have lost both of my parents my dad in November of 07 and just lost my mom in July of 19. My mom had thought she had a stroke so for 2 months I am helping her walk, bath, eat and sometimes drink. She goes to a Dr appointment and they want me to take her and have blood work done and have an xray done of her stomach because I asked them why it was so hard. Then i received a phone from the Dr that seen her at her appointment and she thinks my mom needs a unit of blood so I take to the hospital and they admitted her to the hospital and the Dr making his rounds ask me how long she had the mass on her right kidney. I looked at him and said what mass these is the first I am hearing about a mass. So he takes me and shows me the scan. And it is 3 times the size of her right kidney. And the he points out the she small masses on her lungs. So on Saturday we see a Dr that has order more scans and test. So on Monday they come in start talking to me and tell me that it looks like cancer and they don’t know what kinda but due to the scans they can see that it has spread to her lungs and possible her heart. And they ordered an MRI of her brain and they come in and tell me that she has a tumor on the front part of her brain that was causing the left side of her body to be of no use to her. Which is why she thought she had a stroke. So they come in Tuesday and tell that she does have cancer still don’t know what kind but it is stage 4. They do a lung biopsy and they type it and do slides and it comes back with renal cancer. That day she has a seizer and they don’t think she will make it thought the night. They tell me to get family to the hospital to say there good byes. That was the hardest part because my little brother and his family were on vacation in Hawaii. So I call and ask him how soon he can get home that mom may not make it thought the night. So I get family to the hospital and she makes it thought the night my little brother arrives Thursday morning at the hospital and we get told the she need hospice care and we were OK with that. They tell that she need inpatient care of hospice. So we get her moved that night and family is still coming to see mom and speak to her because she was able to speak a little bit. So we never leave my mom side if we did it was to eat or to go to the bathroom. One of us 3 kids stayed with at all times even my 16 year old son stayed at her side. On Saturday night I was going home to get some sleep and my one oldest brother was saying with her. I kissed her on the head and told her that I loved her and she looked at me and said” I love you all too” after that she never spoke again. We all talked to her and I watched and just took in the way she looked because I knew that I would never see her again. On Monday my little brother had to go back to work and so did my sister in law. So I stayed with my mom Monday night in the hospice place I talked yo her and told how sorry I was that I was not a better daughter to her. And that I was sorry that I called her in many ways. My older brother texted me and told me to play the song my heart will go on so I did. My brother came to stay with mom while I went home and showered and came right back. He said he was going g to get lunch when I got back and he and my son left to go get us some lunch. I went and played the song one more time and when it ended I seen that my mom was gasping for air so I walk to the door and asked the nurse to come and check her breathing and she walked in and told me she only had minutes left I told her I need to call my brother but before my brother could get back my mom passed away I was holding her hand and I told her to go and that I loved her so much and she took her last breath and went. That was the hardest day of my life and it is like you can never unsee that.
Sher, thanks for sharing this. Every death is different. It’s seems those that are still living end up with the most regrets. I watched my father die from cancer when I was only 23. He fought hard, he was only 50 years old. 6 months goes by fast. My dad has been gone for 39 years. I was a daddy’s girl. He missed out on so much of life.
I lost my mother and best friend without any notice. She was not sick, I was on vacation and my brother called me early in the morning. I can still hear his crying voice telling me mom’s dead, mom’s dead. The guttural scream that came out of me, I was in shock. He found her on the floor with the phone in her hand…she tried to call 911. It still makes me upset when I think of that call. I miss her everyday. It has been 9 years since she left us.
Almost 3 years ago while on vacation my husband got sick. When we got home he went to the doctors. Stage 4 cancer. Doctors gave hope of 3 or 4 years with this super chemo medication. He was in pain, moved to bones. The but original tumor was improving. Between the pain and lack of appetite he became weaker. Mike had such a strong will all his life and was sure he would be this. He worked half days until one night the pain was so bad we went to emergency room. He was a little confused but we thought it was from pain meds. The Er doctor dropped a bomb saying with liver cancer, ammonia builds up in the brain. Causes confusion, comas! Took 11 days to get pain under control and have hospice agree to let me take him home. He was so happy to be home, even if it was in a bed. He lasted 5 days. Mike did not pass easy. He fought until the end. I have many regrets on how things were handled and that I should have know and done more, been sweeter, listened better. I can’t change any of those things now.
I miss him everyday. I never wanted to be on my own at this age. We were supposed to grow old together. We were married for 39 years and together for 41.
I took care of my mother till the end (we lost her 4 years ago. I moved out to where they lived to help care for her) and am now doing the same for my father after he suffered 4 strokes In 3 months. Everyday I wish I could do more, I wish I could be a more patient daughter and caregiver. In the end I would have it no other way tho. All we can do is try our hardest and do the best we can do. My mother cared for my grandmother so I’ve never had any reservations about carrying for my parents, I’ve always felt it was the least I can do. Like I’ve said so many times, we want my father home not in a home plus there’s no way we could afford such a thing. I’ve had to quit my job to care for me father and we’ve had to give up so much but in the end all we need is a roof over or heads and each other until it’s his time to join so many others in the other side. Thank you for your story I appreciate it❤
Beautifully written …As i read your words ..it was as if much of it was mine. Funny ..its been close to two years now but feels like yesterday .. i can still imagine every vein on her hand .. every mark on her face . The way she would look at me with love and gratitude in her eyes .Gratitude that i had managed to keep my words that she would not be left alone to die . There were 7 of us , our spouses , and her much loved grandchildren, that shared the weeks with her before she passed. She was always so grateful for anything ..no matter how small that we did for her. It was such an honor to be there with her knowing that we were able to fulfill her wishes up till her last breathe . She deserved the best because she gave us that kind of love and service through our entire lives . At 85yrs old …her every day consisted of awaiting phone calls and visits from loved ones …still loved to laugh and spend time with all of us , up until those last coulle weeks when she became ill . She was one of the lucky ones .. she left this earth feeling loved …fulfilled & happy life on earth behind her. I really wish all seniors could have that during the end . Thank you for your story .. it gave me a chance to ponder over our experience of saying goodbye to our mother .
I helped my mom care for my dad in our home. I was going through a divorce, job change and was pregnant with my second son, so I moved home. I talked a lot with my dad but his terminal cancer took him at 63. We had 15 months to prepare for his death. I watched him suffer terribly, which made it easier to let go. Twenty eight years later we got my mom’s diagnosis of cancer…my heart broke. She spent so much time with me and my sons over the years, I never really thought about her being gone. She was 89, I made her a bedroom in my dining room because she couldn’t handle the stairs. I bathed her, talked to her, cooked for her and did everything I possibly could to keep her comfortable. She had taken such good care of my dad when he was sick, she deserved the same. I miss her terribly. We fought at times but they didn’t last. It’s the most loving thing you can do.
Thank you for this. I cared for my grandmother, dad & mom. I was 23 when my grand came to live with us, I came home from school & within a 3 year period dad was gone, grand was in a nursing home and my mom was gravely ill. I cared for mom for 15 yrs. I never heard her say my name in all that time but we had joy, love. I became a nurse in every sense but without the degree.
When you are caring for your loved ones you deal with doctors, nurses, lawyers,the government, & no you do not take care of yourself.
You get all kinds of comments from well meaning folks who for the most part have no idea what you are doing but are at the ready to tell you the shoulda, coulds,woulds of what you are doing. If you are lucky you have a few who stick with you till it is over.
The day my dad died, I had spoken to him that morning & by lunch I was getting the call he was gone. When we went to the funeral home, I just knew they had the wrong person. Only when they wheeled him out it was my dad. Eyes can play tricks as I thought I kept seeing him breathe. When Mom passed the same happened, we don’t want them to be gone. When Mom passed I felt like an orphan.
There is not a day goes by when I don’t think of her. It was such a spiritual experience taking care of her.she was only 56 when she became ill, I was 26. I don’t regret a minute of having the privilege of being her daughter & caring for her.
I looked at her face trying to memorize her face, the arch of her eyebrows, her cheek bones. I’d watch her breathe too, sing to her, touch her as I feared she could be gone any second. I learned not to be afraid of death. She had visitors too from the other side & I am grateful they came to be with her.
Although she didn’t speak a word we had our own communication skills.
I thank you again because your comments were spot on.