This is a personal story about caring for a dying parent. The death of a parent is inevitable, but we don’t talk about it. So let’s do that. Let’s talk about it.
My name is Sher Bailey and I’m going to share with you what it feels like to care for a dying parent at the end of their life. This will be a painful post to write, and it may be painful for you to read. But it’s an important conversation to have with yourself before it happens. If you’ve already lost a parent, I encourage you to read on and share your personal experiences if you’d like.
Caring for a Dying Parent In Their Last Days
There is no guidebook here. There are no rules a dying parent has to abide by, and none for you either. Death is a very personal experience between the dying and their loved ones. This is my personal experience. I hope you can take something from it that will help when you walk this path.
Before I begin, I want you to know the last thing my mother said to me as she was moving from consciousness to unconsciousness. “I wish I’d been happier.”
Without question, those 5 words are some of the most painful, life-changing things anyone has ever said to me. I hope you’ll remember them, as I do, and take whatever action you need to take in your own life so that they won’t be your last.
Their death process is your experience, too.
Your parent is dying, but as you walk with them you’ll realize it’s almost as much about you as about them. Your parents brought you into this life and so as they leave it, you will undergo a change that gets to the very core of who you are. Be attentive. Listen to their stories. Commit their words to heart.
There will be things your parent says or does during this time that will come out of nowhere and break your heart. It could be a sweet story they remember, or it could be something completely honest and raw, like my Mother’s words. The filters we all try to have as we walk through life don’t matter to the dying. If you’re afraid you’ll forget, write them down.
You become the parent, and they the child.
I took care of her, changed her, bathed her, fed her. I stroked her forehead and calmed her anxiety. I gave her medicine and held bottles of water while she sipped.
The circle of life is never more evident as when you become the one your dying parent looks to for comfort. When they are afraid, you are there to comfort them. You’ll say a lot of things you’re not sure about, but you do the best you can. You can’t get this wrong if your choices come from a place of love.
You’ll find yourself watching them as they sleep.
Mother slept while I sat at her bedside. She liked knowing I was there, I could tell by the look in her eyes. Honestly, I was afraid to move for fear she’d wake up. It was as though I was back at my daughter’s crib in that respect.
Watching her chest move up and down was comforting to me. I wouldn’t have been anywhere else.
Their confusion will be hard.
There were strong meds which caused her confusion, but it was more than that. Mother’s mind was elsewhere. Sometimes she knew where she was, and others she didn’t. I went wherever her mind went. If she was in a garden, I went with her there. If she was talking to my brother who hadn’t yet arrived, I confirmed to her that he was in fact in the house. I never tried to correct her.
Your dying parent will move back and forth between this world and the next.
Dying is work, and Mother had a lot of work to do. I would see and hear her talking to people not meant for my eyes. And then she’d be present with me again, but only for brief interactions.
Sometimes she’d look in a particular part of the room and explain what was there. “There is a pretty lady with lights all around her, ” she told me. “There are lights everywhere!” she said as she waved her arms around to show me how many there were.
It becomes plain to see that a body is only a vessel.
As her body weakened and stopped functioning normally, I had to come to terms with what that looks like. When you sit with your parent as they are preparing for their journey, there are almost imperceivable little changes that happen to their physical body. And then suddenly, you see what’s happened in its entirety and it takes your breath a little.
You may have relationship issues to deal with.
Our dynamic was not good. I was a great disappointment to her, and it was easy for her to tell me so. I remember the last time she sat in her wheelchair. I put my head on her lap and sobbed harder than I’ve ever cried or seen anyone cry.
My sobs were guttural and uncontrollable, and she put her hand on my head to pat it as best she could. In the midst of my anguish, I cried out to her again and again, “I’m so sorry, Mother. I’m so sorry I was a bad daughter.”
I continue to struggle with this, to be honest. I wish I had a checklist of good things I’d done alongside the “bad” things. Truth is it probably wouldn’t matter. When your heart breaks, you can stitch it up. But, the scar will always be there.
When an estranged parent dies, they get to leave the demons that haunted them on Earth behind. Ours stay with us, always at the ready to come out and force remembering.
When your parent is dying, you realize you are not immortal.
I watched death come for her, settle in her room, and wait quietly until she was ready. It didn’t wrestle her life away from her. Sometimes I hoped my death would be like hers. When it got more challenging, I hoped it wouldn’t.
When a parent dies you can’t help but think of your own death someday. You wonder if this is how it will go for you, and what will happen with your own children if you have any. Will they be there with you? What can you do to make it less traumatic for them?
You’ll search for yourself in your dying parent’s face.
That’s what I did. Her nose was my nose. Her smile, crooked on one side so that lipstick never looked quite right, was my smile. Her small hands were my hands, although hers were painfully gnarled by arthritis and were adorned by a single ring she wore on her thumb.
I remembered being in church as a little girl, Mother holding my little fingers in hers as our Southern Baptist preacher railed against the devil from his pulpit. Her nails were always long and manicured and I loved running my fingers across them. I dreamed of the day I’d have long, red nails, too.
The exhaustion will be merciless.
My family and the hospice team were adamant that I eat and sleep, and they told me that as often as they could get the words out. That seemed impossibly ridiculous to me. How could I sleep? What if she looked over at the chair beside her bed and I wasn’t there? Even worse, what if she passed away while I was in bed?
I would tell you not to do what I did, but you will. People will want you to rest, and you should listen to them. But, you won’t. I finally made my husband promise he would sit by her bed, watching her chest rising and falling, so I could take a 3-hour nap. He was under strict instruction to wake me if the slightest thing changed. You should try and do the same.
Be still.
You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. Your dying parent will feel your spirit beside them and know they are in a safe space and well-loved.
I spent time letting my eyes settle on everything about her. Her face, her smile, the way her hair looked. I knew it would be my last looks, my last chance to see her in life.
Afterward.
I did my best. That’s all I can say. You’ll do your best.
Remember, you were present. You were filled with love. You were patient. Still, it won’t feel like enough.
There is no shortcut to get through this pain. If you can get to a therapist, I encourage you to do it. Lean on your loved ones as much as possible. Accept help.
After two years I can still hear the way she said my name. I worry I won’t be able to hear it forever.
This is the obituary I wrote about my mother after she died. She’d want me to share it. Mother loved being the center of attention. 🙂 I hope you’ll tell me about your mom or dad. I really want to read about your journey.
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812 comments on “Caring for a Dying Parent In Their Last Days – a Personal Story”
This was so incredibly beautiful! I didn’t have a great relationship with my Mother. But i was the one who sat at her bedside & put the cold washcloth on her forehead when she got hot & pulled the blankets up when she got cold while everybody else went shopping. I sat there all afternoon trying to get up & tell her I loved her & was never able to do it. I’ve never forgiven myself for that. That was the day before she passed in 2000.
I experienced losing both my parents, dad when I was 31 and mom when I was 36 (5 months ago). The hospice journey was different for each of them but I had the gift and the curse of being a part of both of them. My dad’s went much quicker while my mom knew she was going to die a little over a week before it happened. I lived in her hospital hospice room for two weeks – afraid to leave for even a minute because I didn’t want to miss a doctor or the impending medical complications we knew were coming. She was so coherent for most of it – we had some amazing talks about life. The wait was agonizing – for both of us. I didn’t dare let her see me cry as I felt like I had to be strong for the both of us. I now feel alone in the world. I am married with two children of my own, but no one could ever love me like my mother did and there is no escaping that reality. The world is different for me now and I hope that I appreciate life more for the experience. Before my mother passed, she promised if it were possible, she would send me dimes to let me know she was watching and I find them everywhere.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve been caring for my mother two years now. She has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. My older brother has always been my mothers favorite. Yet it is me, her difficult child, that is here by her side. I am divorced and have no children. I feel it is my duty to be here. I think we are just now entering the really difficult stage. I often feel very alone. I also feel incompetent most days. Reading about your experience helped me. Thank you.
Oh my gosh!! Reading about your mom put me right back to when my mom passed away!! And just as you described it, I felt the same feels, and the situation seems very familiar!!
My mom was a very tough cookie!! As a good German, she had no time for bs and she had little patience for mistakes, and I’ve made a LOT of those! I know that she had forgiven me for them, but she had not forgotten them!! She brought back some very painful moments, and all I could do was tell her that I was sorry!! I didn’t mean to hurt her!! But I still felt (feel) like crap for not being better for her!!
I hear her telling me what I’m doing is not what she would so many times!!
I miss her talking to me, responding to me when I talk to her now!!
And it’s the little things that get me, a sound, a sight a smell, and I immediately dissolve into a puddle of tears.
I now have a similar situation with my dad!! I live far away and go see him as often as possible, but it’s never often enough! I talk to him 2x a day and tell him I live him as much as I possibly can!! And to be quite honest, the thought of him leaving scares the living daylights out of me!! How am i supposed to go on without him, without both of them!! I’m so thankful for every day I still have him, but I now sleep with my phone on, just in case that call comes through… please not tonight is my prayer every night!! The one blessing is that, unlike my mom, my dad isn’t in any pain, he eats well, but needs 25/7 care and his body is just giving up, but he’s not!!
Sorry for the long comment, but this got to me!!
My heartfelt thoughts for you and your healing!! Thank you!
Thank you for writing this. Death came suddenly for my mother in April of 2018. What we thought was the flu was ovarian cancer.Within 2 weeks she was gone.i thought often about the many times I put off seeing and doing things with her because she saw how busy I was. At the end my father couldn’t make decisions. I did. They haunt me. Did I make the right ones? Was that test necessary? Should I have asked more questions? Did I ask the right questions. I feel your pain.
My mother passed away somewhat suddenly. She found out Aug 16, 2018 that she had two, large noncancerous brain tumors. They wanted to do surgery to remove the larger one. She was put on a large dose of steroids to keep the brain swelling down. On Sept 19, she went into a diabetic coma because of the steroids. She was intubated and in ICU. She recovered from that but came down with pneumonia. She got over that and came down with a deadly mold infection in her lungs, which took her life on Nov 6, weeks before her 60th birthday. I love in Texas. My mom amd my sisters family is in Tennessee. It was alot of travelling back and forth and phone calls on my part. I wouldnt leave the hospital when I was there. My sister was relentless in taking care of her. We all have absolutely no regrets. But it is like you yourself are dying. I will never forget her look, her voice, her stories. She was a remarkably beautiful woman.
Very beautiful! I just lost my Deddy a month ago. There is never enough time. I am so thankful he went peacefully in his sleep. Sadly I never got a picture of he and I holding hands. I planned to but it never happened. I do have one of Momma and him holding hands. 54 years of love and tears. My heart hurts for her. Thank you for such a wonderful piece. It will always hurt I know this.
Oh my mom. She succumbed to ovarian cancer that eventually spread to her liver and killed her. I will never, ever forget those last two weeks when I took off work and just sat in my parents house with my little sister and my dad and watched my mother slowly fail. There were things we laughed at. There were many, many tears. Mom took to dancing with Dad every time he helped her move across the room from her recliner to her hospital bed. I know they loved one another to their last moment. I know my mother loved all 3 of us girls greatly and she did the best she could. I also know I will never forget how she let me know regularly what a disappointment I was to her. I hope someday her spirit will forgive my many shortcomings. I pray someday I can forgive myself. It’s been two years and a month since I last saw my mom but I feel her with me occasionally. I dream of her often and at least once a week I break down in tears. I have the last voicemail she ever left me still. And I send her emails on her LinkedIn account, the only social media she ever succumbed to. I know no one will ever read them but sometimes I need to just talk to her. The pain is like a knife still when I let it out, but mostly these days I can keep it in a little box inside myself. I did see a therapist and it had helped some. And honestly I have been shocked by how long it’s been and how I still struggle on so many days. The thing that bothers me the most is how different my dad is now that mom is gone. To say she was his rock is an understatement. Dad was always quick to anger and full of biting remarks. Since Mom is gone he’s like a shadow of his former self. He no longer makes decisions in regards to any situation involving us girls, I think because he’s afraid we’ll stop coming around. He cries every time we leave his house after a visit and I get so angry that he won’t just be himself. Only recently did I realize this is himself now. Without Mom there to reassure him he would be forgiven for hateful remarks he remade himself and it’s like I lost both of my parents in that way. Thank you for writing this and allowing me to share my grief and story too. Know that you’re not the only one and I hope for peace for you and your family.
What you wrote is pretty accurate. My brother, sister & I did “shifts” at the hospital for her last 11 days. My brother spent the night in her room. I came by 7:30 am – I would get her perfume & spray it on a Q-tip & rub it behind her ears. Then my sister came after work. Her last night, we were all there in her room- my husband, daughters & their husbands, my son & my granddaughter. The next morning she left us. My brother said she was waiting for me to put her perfume on so she smelled good for dad. The horrible thing at that time, was the realization that I was then parentless.
A year ago my son passed away suddenly. Luckily he was still living at home & was at home when he had a sudden heart attack – no known heart problems for him. So, this is so much more painful than losing my father – I had a ton of guilt – and losing my mother – too much left unsaid & I, too, felt like I should have been a better daughter. But losing my son, my only son, my baby boy, this is too painful. I hate the cliches – no parent should bury a child. Guess what? It happens all the time! It has taken us a year to get to the point now where we aren’t angry all the time. Yes, we’re constantly sad & we will be forever. He was the fiber that held this family together. He was my handsome, strong, smart, well-respected son, who would tell me he loved me, even in front of his friends. The world lost someone so incredible last year, but Heaven gained an amazing Angel.
Thank you for writing your story, and for reading mine. ~Carrie
This was beautiful. It made me think of my Grammy and my dad. I was there for both of them in their final months and in the moment they left this world.
My Gram was like a second mom. For much of my life my mom and I lived in her home. She was my person and my best friend. The very last words she said to me were, “Goodnight my Steffi, YOU get some sleep.” This was in response to me telling her I’d be back in the morning and for her to get some rest. By the time I got back a few hours later she had slipped into unconsciousness. I sat holding her left hand as my sister held the right. We talked to her and to each other as we listened to the morphine drip. Suddenly she took a big breath, and that was it. That was her last. And then the morphine beeped to signal that it was empty. That was sooo Gram. Waste not want not.
With my dad it was different. He wasn’t connected to anything. There was no hospital with nurses and doctors in and out. Just me and my 3 siblings, and our mom, who had been his ex wife for 30 years. We knew the end was near because hospice had told us so. There were no “last words” on the day he passed, but in the weeks leading up to it he and I had some beautiful moments. We were estranged for a long time prior to his cancer diagnosis. Watching him die broke my heart. I was left with so many regrets and internalized anger. It took a long time for me forgive myself. I finally came to the realization that he had his part in our estrangement, and just because he was gone,it wasn’t fair for me to absolve him of that and carry such a heavy load.
Thank you for this post and for encouraging others to share theirs.