They’re not babies, not teenagers and not adults. Being a 12-year-old is hard for kids. It’s hard for parents, too. Maybe understanding how they feel will make it easier.
I spent some time, way too much maybe, watching videos of 12-year-old kids who talked about how it feels to be them. It was eye-opening.
Yes, parents remember what life was like for them at 12, but they might have a tendency to forget how hard it was. I’m hoping this will help us all remember that time in our lives so that we can be better parents to our kids.
Being a 12-Year-Old Is (Really) Hard
1. Being laughed at is like a knife to the heart. Whether it’s a girl laughing at a boy who likes her or being laughed at for their shoes, it’s painful for these 12-year-olds. They desperately want to blend in, and having your peers or parents laughing at you is an announcement to the world that they are different.
2. Learning about the opposite sex is tricky. It’s hard-wired nature, so trying to fight the interest your son or daughter has in the other young sons and daughters of the world is futile.
Yes, you can (and should) set healthy boundaries for your 12-year-old, but be sure to really listen and validate their feelings.
3. Parents are dumb. Moms and dads sometimes say the dumbest, most embarrassing things in the whole world. At least that’s how your 12-year-old sees it.
Even so, the day is coming when they’ll believe you to be the smartest, most wonderful parent ever. They may be in their 20s before they do.
4. They are like you, but they don’t want to be. For example, if you’re a vegetarian, they probably are, too. For their whole life that may have been just fine.
Now they have friends who eat hamburgers and pepperoni pizza. Try not to flip out when they come home with a Big Mac on their breath. They’re experimenting.
5. Pre-teens are likely getting bullied in some way. Even if no one is beating them up and taking their lunch money, other 12-year-olds who are trying to find their own path will say and do hurtful things to your child.
This is an important and pivotal event in their lives. (READ: This Boy Can’t Speak or Walk Because of Bullying.)
Above all, if they are being bullied at school or elsewhere, it needs to be taken very seriously. Don’t tell them the bullies are just jealous. Don’t tell them to buck up and deal with it. Talk to the school and the teacher and anyone else who can help. Most of all, be your child’s shelter in the storm.
6. Getting away with things is tougher. When they were younger they could get away with the whole “it wasn’t me” who broke the lamp or left spaghetti splatters in the microwave. They know you’re onto them now. They’ll still try to sneak one by you, but they know exactly what they’re doing.
They’ve only been on the planet 4380 days!
7. Clothes are more important than almost anything else. As a good parent, you encourage them to shy away from following the crowd. All they want right now is to blend into the crowd.
If that means wearing clothes that look exactly the same as everyone else in their school, accommodate them when and if you can. Even if you refuse to buy the expensive brands, it’s a teachable moment about making and saving money to buy what they want.
8. They’re afraid of weird things. Were you afraid of something when you were a kid? Maybe it was the Thriller video, or of being left at home alone. Your kids are, too.
Telling them not to be is a waste of your breath and doesn’t do anything to help them get over it. (I’m not sure I’ll ever stop being afraid of Furbys.)
9. A bestie is everything. Whether your kiddo has 1 best friend or 3, this is the most important relationship they have – outside of what they have with you. Foster and encourage them to have good friends.
Be there for them when their BFF inevitably does or says something that hurts their feelings. (It will definitely happen at least 100 times!)
10. They essentially have more than a full-time job. They wake up, go to school, come home, eat a snack, do homework, go to piano practice, eat supper, (hopefully) goof off a bit, take a bath, go to bed and do it all over tomorrow. That’s a lot for anyone.
11. Their bodies are changing. Pimples. Greasy hair. Changing voices. Body odor. Boobies. Periods. It’s hard!
12. They don’t know who they are, but they think they should. Ask a 12-year-old what they want to be when they grow up and they’ll probably have an answer.
Often they’ll say some version of whatever they’re into that day, or what they know you want to hear. They may need to be gently reminded that it’s okay not to have an answer at all.
Do you have a 12-year-old at home?
Any advice for other parents? Have you had challenges that surprised you or even that you felt blind-sided by?
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89 comments on “ATTN Parents: Being a 12-Year-Old Is Hard”
The hardest thing is our 12 year old son had lots of interests and we could easily entertain and engage him. This year, we have not been able to do this at all. What can I do to continue to have fun with him? I realize he’s growing up, and being his mom has always been enjoyable. This year, I can’t even figure out how to be his mom.
This might sound crazy, but my son(now 20), when we went through this awkward phase where he didn’t want to tell me anything, we started conversing over text messages. He just felt more comfortable not having to be in the same room. Maybe so he couldn’t see my initial reaction. But it worked and we eventually moved on to having our convos face to face. Good luck! His little brother is 11 going on 12 and I’m back to the drawing board in communication with him.
My daughter is also 20 and she was much more open and expressive when we discussed challenging topics via text, as well. I think the idea of not having to be in front of me or hear her own voice speak the hard questions was a safe way to express herself to me. I also found that we had deeper conversations more successfully in the car; again, not having to look anyone in the face and having me be occupied with driving helped her feel more comfortable talking about tough or embarrassing topics. My son is now 12 so we will see how these techniques work for our conversations…
Have fun with them and be interested in what they are interested in. Even if you aren’t really interested, ask them questions about it.
My advice… when angry try and stay calm. Let the first wave of anger pass and then talk sincerely from your heart, then kiss and make up followed by perhaps something fun to share. I find that a good laugh between you and your kid takes away the deepest grudge, calms the mind. A much needed bonding after the storm. And there are many to come when children become teenagers…)
Thank you for this article! This and the comment section really speaks to me. I’m a mother of four and my oldest is 12. It’s so frustrating because the world is a different place than it was when I was 12, I feel like he is the boy version of me when I was 14 or 15. I always wonder ‘am I alone in this? Is this normal behavior?’ I so desprately want my buddy back, I want to be the cool mom that he can come to with anything and everything. I’m terrible with setting boundries, if I give an inch he takes a mile and I usually give in. I’m so afraid of him hating me.
There are so many truths in here! I have a (almost) 12 year old and I found myself nodding and getting teary eyed while reading this. Thank you for sharing.
I am now a grandma of 6, yet still remember like it was yesterday how painful being 12 was. One minute your parents were mad at you for wanting the same privilages as your older siblings, telling you that you were too young for that, and the next minute they said ‘you should know better- you’re not a baby’ about something else. I felt I was always wrong, no matter what I said, did, or chose, and it was so embarrassing that I couldn’t get my 5’6″ body to behave at all, when I believed other girls were more dainty, petite, and graceful. It took me years to realize the girls I admired as perfect felt just as awkward and uncomfortable in their skin as I did- some were just better at hiding that, or could ‘fake it ’til you make it’ better than I could!!
Omg you hit it spot on. My soon to be 13 year old is curvier than most her peers and she hates it. I said those same things to her about this.
You’re amazing!!!
At this age teens are less likely to approach the parents when they have things on their mind because they are not sure how to express themselves. They are usually wait for parents to pursue them.
I have an almost 12 granddaughter who has been living with me since she was 5. Her dad is an addict and her mom is bipolar. I worry that she will inherit the bipolar gene as it runs in her mom’s family. I worry that she might become an addict because addiction runs in our family. It seems like overnight she changed from a loving, caring, and helpful human being into an angry, selfish, unresponsive version of a person I do not recognize. I know her parents have disappointed her and that has definitely played a role in her angry behaviors, but I believe that starting middle school and trying to fit in with the other middle schoolers plays a big part in how she is feeling and behaving. She is introverted, extremely intelligent, and moody. I find myself at a loss as to how to deal with this young girl whom I don’t even recognize anymore. I feel as though the bond we once shared has been broken and I want it back. I’m just trying to be patient and I continue to love her unconditionally in the hopes that this phase she is going through will run its coarse. It’s hard for me to understand how she feels sometimes as I am extremely extroverted and wear my heart on my sleeve. I know one day we will connect again, but until that day I hope I can be patient, kind, and understanding because being a 12 yr old and upcoming teenager is hard and stressful in a world where technology, social media, and bullying is so prevalent in the world. So I wait, I wonder, I worry about her future in a society where people can sonetimes be so unkind. I just know we will eventually connect and our relationship will be less tense and awkward, but until then just know that I love you.
Praying for you & your granddaughter, Liz. Don’t give up hope!
Keep up the good work Grandma! Â You are fighting the good fight. Â Unconditional love even at the hardest times. Â
Don’t give up on her. Don’t push her out, get her help. Give her the tools to survive and be strong. She will fight you but she needs you.
Never lie to your kids. No matter how hard the conversation or question is, do not lie to them. I have had several situations over the years where I was able to say to my daughter “have I ever lied to you” and she knew I hadn’t. She knows I will always be truthful, no matter how hard the subject is to discuss.
Great comment. I have told my kids to always tell the truth to me. I use this example, “Someday you’re going to need me to believe you, when maybe a teacher or another student is saying something you did, that you didn’t do. If you always tell me the truth, then I can always stand up for you knowing you’ve always been truthful with me.”
I read somewhere ‘when they deserve your love the least is when they need it the most’.  I remind myself of that when my kids are testing me and try always to respond with love.Â
That is a wonderful phrase. Thanks for sharingÂ
Oh how I needed to hear this!! Thank you for posting this phrase
Listen when they talk. Try not to ask many questions. Tell them you love them.
yes yes yes to this!!! I find the more he pushes me away the more he actually wants me present!!!!
I have a 12 year old daughter and we are very close. I substitute teach and when I’ve been at her school the kids make comments such as “I can’t believe you talk to your mom”. It is bittersweet. I don’t have a magical thing I did. I can’t even say when she goes through the teens she will still want to talk to me (I hope she does). I think the main thing is I listen. I listen to the serious stuff, I listen to the silly stuff, and I listen to the ever so long drama filled explanation about herself and peers. I also have a 13 year old son. He is much quieter. He is closer to my husband so speaks more openly with him than myself. Which is OKAY! As long as our children know there is a safe loving adult that they can turn to. I’d rather that adult be myself or my husband. But all children don’t have that luxury. So just being a safe loving adult is necessary to make sure all our children make it through this and all stages of life.
I love this so much. I have a newborn, 2 year old, and 4 year old, and my 4 year old is acting out to assure her fair share of attention. I will definitely remember these wise words. It takes a village!Â
My just turned 13 grandson was being challenged by his parents cause he was getting a bit lazy about his chores. He told them they just dont appreciate how much energy its taking him to do that all the thinking he is doing these days. Had to laugh(not in front of him!) but really, they are truly analyzing EVERYTHING at this age. It has to be exhausting!!
My boys are 12 now… I just try to do dinner at the table every night! I wanna know everything going on. When I know I was wrong I also apologize to them! And when all else fails we hug it out! They will never think they’re alone in my household!
I have raised 4 . Currently at age 12 with the 5th. It is definitely a hard age. I really have no advice. They were all completely different at 12. I raised 2 boys and 2 girls. Neither of the boys acted the same at 12 and neither did the girls. I have one more child after this to get through the awkward preteen years. Good luck to all the other moms & dad’s who are just trying to survive raising kids to upstanding adults.