They’re not babies, not teenagers and not adults. Being a 12-year-old is hard for kids. It’s hard for parents, too. Maybe understanding how they feel will make it easier.
I spent some time, way too much maybe, watching videos of 12-year-old kids who talked about how it feels to be them. It was eye-opening.
Yes, parents remember what life was like for them at 12, but they might have a tendency to forget how hard it was. I’m hoping this will help us all remember that time in our lives so that we can be better parents to our kids.
Being a 12-Year-Old Is (Really) Hard
1. Being laughed at is like a knife to the heart. Whether it’s a girl laughing at a boy who likes her or being laughed at for their shoes, it’s painful for these 12-year-olds. They desperately want to blend in, and having your peers or parents laughing at you is an announcement to the world that they are different.
2. Learning about the opposite sex is tricky. It’s hard-wired nature, so trying to fight the interest your son or daughter has in the other young sons and daughters of the world is futile.
Yes, you can (and should) set healthy boundaries for your 12-year-old, but be sure to really listen and validate their feelings.
3. Parents are dumb. Moms and dads sometimes say the dumbest, most embarrassing things in the whole world. At least that’s how your 12-year-old sees it.
Even so, the day is coming when they’ll believe you to be the smartest, most wonderful parent ever. They may be in their 20s before they do.
4. They are like you, but they don’t want to be. For example, if you’re a vegetarian, they probably are, too. For their whole life that may have been just fine.
Now they have friends who eat hamburgers and pepperoni pizza. Try not to flip out when they come home with a Big Mac on their breath. They’re experimenting.
5. Pre-teens are likely getting bullied in some way. Even if no one is beating them up and taking their lunch money, other 12-year-olds who are trying to find their own path will say and do hurtful things to your child.
This is an important and pivotal event in their lives. (READ: This Boy Can’t Speak or Walk Because of Bullying.)
Above all, if they are being bullied at school or elsewhere, it needs to be taken very seriously. Don’t tell them the bullies are just jealous. Don’t tell them to buck up and deal with it. Talk to the school and the teacher and anyone else who can help. Most of all, be your child’s shelter in the storm.
6. Getting away with things is tougher. When they were younger they could get away with the whole “it wasn’t me” who broke the lamp or left spaghetti splatters in the microwave. They know you’re onto them now. They’ll still try to sneak one by you, but they know exactly what they’re doing.
They’ve only been on the planet 4380 days!
7. Clothes are more important than almost anything else. As a good parent, you encourage them to shy away from following the crowd. All they want right now is to blend into the crowd.
If that means wearing clothes that look exactly the same as everyone else in their school, accommodate them when and if you can. Even if you refuse to buy the expensive brands, it’s a teachable moment about making and saving money to buy what they want.
8. They’re afraid of weird things. Were you afraid of something when you were a kid? Maybe it was the Thriller video, or of being left at home alone. Your kids are, too.
Telling them not to be is a waste of your breath and doesn’t do anything to help them get over it. (I’m not sure I’ll ever stop being afraid of Furbys.)
9. A bestie is everything. Whether your kiddo has 1 best friend or 3, this is the most important relationship they have – outside of what they have with you. Foster and encourage them to have good friends.
Be there for them when their BFF inevitably does or says something that hurts their feelings. (It will definitely happen at least 100 times!)
10. They essentially have more than a full-time job. They wake up, go to school, come home, eat a snack, do homework, go to piano practice, eat supper, (hopefully) goof off a bit, take a bath, go to bed and do it all over tomorrow. That’s a lot for anyone.
11. Their bodies are changing. Pimples. Greasy hair. Changing voices. Body odor. Boobies. Periods. It’s hard!
12. They don’t know who they are, but they think they should. Ask a 12-year-old what they want to be when they grow up and they’ll probably have an answer.
Often they’ll say some version of whatever they’re into that day, or what they know you want to hear. They may need to be gently reminded that it’s okay not to have an answer at all.
Do you have a 12-year-old at home?
Any advice for other parents? Have you had challenges that surprised you or even that you felt blind-sided by?
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89 comments on “ATTN Parents: Being a 12-Year-Old Is Hard”
When I am more than frustrated with my 12 year old and I call my Mom for advice she always says “you just have to love him through it”. It’s a powerful statement.
My son was diagnosed with a rare life-threatening chronic illness at 12 – and I try to explain to others how that has impacted him in so many ways. Thank you for writing something that I can share that explains from someone other than his mom what I have been saying.
Great article! Helpful reminders !
Yes, I have a 12 year old son! For this exact reason, I have launched the YOUTH VISION MOVEMENT which is taking the fundamental life skill of success to our Middle Schoolers.
It take a village, a community of parents, youth leaders and people who truly care to empower our Teens now a days…we live in such a different ERA where everything we are dealing with as parents and kids has been dealt with before such as social media, internet access, having information at our fingertips and real time information.
At any rate, it is so critical to catch our youth when they are at this very critical age and teach them Confidence / Positive Self Image, Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution, the Power of Perception, etc. Let’s make this movement count, let’s connect and collaborate to empower our youth to reach their greatest potential and spread more light in this world that can seem to be so dark sometimes.
God Bless!
Show interest in what they are telling you about, even if it is about a Tik Tok video or a game they played, if you listen and engage with them, eventually they will talk to you about the big stuff too. Let them listen to their music in the car (drives me nuts) but I ask her questions about the artist and lyrics and the conversation just grows. My daughter is 12 and moody, hormonal and angry, but I just hug her often and give her her space when she needs it. She is really a great kid. Middle School is hard and she has dealt with bullying since 5th grade because of her acne, but I just build her up each day to let her know, we love her and she is a great person on the inside and eventually the world will see her beauty on the outside like I do. Then I tell her, you are going through puberty early, and when your face clears up everyone else will have zits, makes her laugh every time. Cherish them!! She pushes my buttons, and I yell more than I like, but wouldn’t change a thing.
My daughter is 15 now. Always acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t understand them or agree with them. Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel. Listen to them when they come to you about an issue even if you think it is a silly or minor issue. Whatever they come to you with, it’s important. Listen when they just want to chat about their day, video games, music, their friends, their teachers. If you listen to the every day things with enthusiasm, they are much more likely to bring the bigger stuff to you as well. Also, sometimes they just need space, even from their parents. If they don’t want to talk, are too upset to talk, are too angry to talk, let them go and have some time to themselves. Bring up the situation again when everyone is calm and ready. You can’t push them into talking to you without causing more harm than good.
Listen to them when they talk to you about the little things (like video games)… because that’s what they care about. And soon there will be big things and they will know you’ll be there to listen.
Thanks for this article! It is a good reminder as my 11 year old starts middle school next year. It is hard as a parent to slow down and really listen without any distractions. I find that when I am able to do this, our relationship is much better. If I am too busy we struggle and are not as close for sure.
I’ve raised one, now raising another. I always kept the lines of communication open, always told the truth even when it made me cringe, and never hovered.
We’ve already made a deal that he’s never to be afraid or ashamed to come to us; no matter the reason.
I’m starting a jr hi teaching job. I love this age of kids but have never been a Mom. This story and all these comments are AWESOME.
I’ve taught 6-8 for years, it’s an interesting age. Very different though for parents. I must admit that my 3 ‘kids’ now in their 30’s, had fairly easy middle school years, high school was more up and down.
I do remember one night as a 7th grader, (13), my parents took my brother and I out to dinner after my dance class at school. We were just eating dessert when the boy I was crushing on walked in, with HIS parents. I freaked at being seen with my family instead of friends. So I slipped under the table. Brilliant. Not one second of thinking ahead. My family done, his just walked in. That IS middle school students.