You went to bed on a warm summer night as a regular Mom with responsibilities, sensible clothes and a laundry room floor full of dirty clothes that don’t even belong to you. While you were sleeping a magic sprite sprinkled you with glitter and you wake up in the good old 1990s.
No responsibilities, or sweatpants, or kids to get ready for school.
Welcome Back to Summer In the 1990s
First things first. You need a healthy 90s breakfast to begin the day. Pour yourself a bowl of Cookie Crisp cereal and an ice cold chocolate milk. A delicious hit of sugar in the mornings is always a smart choice. AS IF!
Get dressed and ready for the day, dude.
Jellies are the shoe that can handle pretty much any summer situation and you have 4 pair. Raining? No problem. Jellies don’t care.
Need to add a little something special to your high-rise acid wash jean shorts and oversized Saved By the Bell t-shirt look? These wonderful, plastic, painful, weird shoes are always ready to go.
If jellies aren’t your thing, you’ll want a pair of combat boots to wear with your shorts. Are they hot? Yes. D0 they look like you’re preparing for war? If by war you mean walking around the mall, then yes.
All that matters is that you look fly, homeslice.
Oh snap! You need to add some bling.
PS: You def need some fashion accessories. Slap on your bracelet, stretch a choker around your neck and pull all that hair up with a neon Scrunchie.
By all means, don’t forget the mood ring! People need to know how you’re feeling. Why tell them when you can show them your mood via a ring that almost never actually changes color?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls at the pool.
The perfect answer to hot weather is going to the pool. Take your portable CD player so you can listen to No Diggity, Ice Ice Baby, and Hit Me Baby One More Time at least until everyone’s ears bleed.
Speaking of CDs, yours are all scratched. Every single one. Sure, you’ve tried not to scratch them but let’s be honest here. All the CDs ever made will incur a scratch. It’s the law.
Try rubbing the scratches out with toothpaste as your best friend suggested. Now you have a scratched CD that also smells minty fresh.
Snap some 1990s pics!
For sure you should take some photos at the pool, otherwise, how will you know you were even there? Get a disposable Kodak camera at K-mart and snap away.
Afterward, you can take it home and put it in a drawer where it will live, undeveloped, for no less than 7 years. Or you can drop it off at a ridiculously small building the size of a bathroom and wait a week to see how the photos turned out.
Hint: They turn out terribly. You will hate them, especially the ones that have your thumb in front of the lens. Sorry! No do-overs.
Hungry when you get home from the pool? Pop a delicious Hot Pocket in the microwave until the insides are the same temperature as what you imagine the temperature in Hell might be. You will most certainly sustain 2nd-degree burns on the roof of your mouth, but we are happy to suffer for gourmet food.
Cool your mouth off by slamming a satisfying, cold Squeeze It.
Pro 90s tip: If you don’t want to drink liquid blue sugar water from a plastic bottle with a tiny hole in the top, a Squeeze It makes for a fun water gun. It will for sure stain your brothers Beavis and Butthead shirt, but who cares? If he complains, tell him to TALK TO THE HAD!
Your 1990s technology is DOPE!
Tired from the pool and making Kodak memories, maybe you should chill in your room awhile. Hop on the internet to see if you have any unread Hotmail.
Oh, wait. Your Dad is on the phone. No internet for you. Thank heavens for your Game Boy and Nintendo, and Super Mario.
Pro 90s tip: If you have any trouble with that sweet Nintendo, blow on the cartridge. Your breath is magic that fixes video games.
Your Mom yells it’s time for supper and lucky you, it’s a Kid Cuisine with chicken nuggets and that sweet, sweet apple goo you know you love. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is on!
Before bed, you and your brother bust out the Mouse Trap game. It comes in 80,000 impossible pieces and those little steel marbles are for sure going to wind up in the dog’s stomach, but you try anyway. Maybe you should play Mall Madness instead. Of course, your brother screams he doesn’t want to play that so tell him to talk to the hand.
Finally, it’s time to wake up, Mom!
You’re back in your bed. There are no 1990s crunchy bangs covered in Aquanet, no Caboodle filled with Lip Smackers and Tommy Girl perfume. Just you and your soft leggings, Toms and… a Scrunchie.
What was your fave thing about the 1990s? Would you go back for a day? What would be the first thing you’d do? I can’t wait to hear!
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