All The Lost Things, I’m Sick Of Being The One That Remembers
Moms everywhere will understand this request. Stop asking us where things are! Our ovaries aren’t homing devices! They can’t find your lost stuff.
I’m not sure how it happens, but moms seem to be (generally speaking, of course) the designated finder of all things large and small. I know this to be true in my own life. What about you? When’s the last time someone in your house asked where something is?
I’m not a psychic. No one calls me The Amazing Locating Mom. I can’t bend spoons with my mind and as of right now, Vegas hasn’t booked me to join Cirque du Soleil to spectacularly find things in front of an enthralled audience.
Please explain to me why my family can’t find things on their own. And when you’ve explained that to me, please move on to how the internet works. I’ve had trouble figuring that one out as well. As far as I’m concerned, it’s magic.
Why Are Moms Supposed to Find ALL the Lost Stuff?
Who do these people think we are? Do they believe moms walk through life completely confident that we know where things are at all times?
If only we had the powers our families suggest we have. We could change the world. Millions of moms could come together and find everything that’s ever been lost.
“Hi, I’m a mom and I wanted to tell you that the lid to your favorite pot is under your son’s bed. Don’t ask me why. My powers can’t figure out what was going on in his head. Nice to meet you. Enjoy the rest of your time in this public bathroom.”
Typical things that are lost that we are expected to find.
“Have you seen my t-shirt? The one with the thing on the one arm that looks like a Subway sandwich stain? Mainly because it was a Subway sandwich stain?”
“Someone stole my limited edition cup! I got it at that baseball game you took me to when I was 5. I wanted to take it with me to my dorm!”
(Sobbing) “MOM! Where is my shoe? I can’t go to first grade with no shoe on my right foot! NOOOOO! I can’t wear a different pair of shoes. They have to be THOSE shoes. I’m going to hold my breath until I pass out or you pass out from searching for my shoe.”
I was once asked where to find “you know, that one thing? That thing that I got when we went to that place where the man was? YOU KNOW! It’s yellow. Or orange. YOU KNOW! Where is it?”
If moms could find all the lost stuff, we’d start with our keys.
I never know where my keys are. It’s always an adventure to try and locate them. Yes, I have a designated place for them. No, I do not use it most of the time. I put them in my patented key-eating purse and then they disappear for 3 days.
Do you know what else I’ve lost that I can’t find? My patience with people expecting me to drop what I’m doing and find their junk. My ovaries are not homing devices.
OH, SNAP! SHE WENT THERE!
Things to say the next time you’re asked to find something that’s been lost.
1. Oh gosh. I’m sorry. I can’t find it. I think it’s because I definitely did not look for it.
2. Did you lose the remote again? Find it yourself. I suggest you start where you found it the last time you lost it. In the bathroom behind the medicine that we used on your ringworm.
3. No, I have no idea where your favorite coffee cup got to. I suspect it disintegrated when I washed it and removed the layer of stains holding it together.
4. Why would you think I know where the dog’s toy is? I don’t even know where the dog is right now.
Now, go forth and let the family find their own stuff!
You can do it. If the family asks you where something is, stay strong. The world won’t stop turning if a kid can’t find socks that don’t “feel funny on my toes,” (actual quote). Or will it? I don’t know because I always give in and find the DANG SOCKS!