Do you have toxic family members? The folks who make you feel worse and worse every time you talk to them? You need to read this.
Most of the time, a family is bursting with support and love for each other. For example, grandparents make our lives so much better. If your kids are lucky enough to be surrounded by grandparents, they will be all the better for it.
Toxic Family Members
There may be relatives in your life right now that are causing you to feel almost constant upset and stress. Whether it’s a parent, sibling, cousin, or that weird uncle everyone tries not to sit by at the family reunions, people we’re related to can hurt us pretty badly.
Let me give you an example.
Once upon a time, there was a woman who had two sisters. One sister was awfully good to her. She always had her back. When the woman’s husband cheated on her, her sister asked for permission to beat him up and leave his head on the lawn as a warning to other cheating husbands.
Even though the woman declined her offer, she absolutely believed her sister. She would defend her to the end. Those kinds of sisters are everything. If you have one, call her right now and thank her. (READ: 7 Reasons Sisters Are the Best Ever.)
The other sister? Not so much. She seemed to almost take pleasure in the drama. Somehow she finds a way to make the situation even more painful. She brings up the woman’s past failed relationships. She reports seeing the husband laughing and having a good time with his new person.
In short, her superpower is the ability to make people feel bad about themselves. Are there people in your family like this?
How to know whether you have toxic family members.
It’s one thing to occasionally say or do the wrong thing. We’ve all done that! But, it’s so much more than that with toxic family members. Here are some things to watch for.
1. If you don’t do what they want you to do, they get angry and criticize. They don’t understand, won’t understand, and aren’t interested in your reasons.
2. They report things you do to other family members. Because of them, your Grandmother knows you had one too many drinks at girl’s night.
3. They call your names either to your face or behind your back. You would think that adults stopped calling people names when they graduated from middle school. Unfortunately for you, your relative didn’t get the memo.
4. No one does ‘passive-aggressive’ better than they do. These are the folks who post things on Facebook like, “Some people shouldn’t think they’re better than everyone else. Just saying.” They aren’t brave enough to speak to you directly. They show their jealousy on social media hoping you’ll read what they say and feel bad.
5. They are sicker than you, sadder than you, and they hurt more than you. I don’t even have to explain this one. If there are people in your life that do this, you’re well aware of it.
Do you have the right to remove toxic family members from your life?
The short answer is yes. You have the absolute right to cut out anyone who makes your life miserable just by virtue of their connection to you.
This is your life, and not to be a party pooper, but you only get one. How do you want to spend it? Encircled by people who are good to you, or by people who make you feel bad every time you speak to them?
There are plenty of people who will tell you that you should never cut family members from your life. If that’s your opinion, that’s what you should do. Always be true to your own conviction! But please find other ways of protecting yourself from the damaging emotional erosion they can cause.
How do you remove family members from your life?
Draw a hard line. If you feel miserable, and talking it out hasn’t worked, perhaps you should simply close down the channels of communication. Block phone numbers and social media accounts.
Have a conversation. Talk about how you feel. Listen to how they feel. Discuss what the two of you can do to make it better.
Draw hard lines. You don’t have to answer the phone when they call. Voicemail can be your go-between. You don’t have to share your personal life with them. You are under no obligation to include them in anything you do.
We wish you luck and hope you’ll share your own experience with us. How do you handle toxic family members?
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22 comments on “Toxic Family Members: What to Do About Them”
You cut them off and then they take it to another level. Getting full access to bank accounts via one parent, taking however much money they want anytime and all perfectly legal. That’s what.
Sometimes you have to disown family in order for you to start healing. I know it sounds bad but trust me I am at a better place in my life for getting rid of toxic people. You will make it but it takes time to heal from the stress and abuse. I lost my daughter and she took the grandkids from me, it hurts but you heal.
I loved it, too. The whole quote, makes a whole lot more sense… Here it is: Proverbs 18:24
“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb” is a phrase that emphasizes the importance of chosen bonds over familial relationships12345. The phrase refers to how real bonds are formed over shared experiences, not necessarily familial relationships.
I agree that some family members can be toxic, and that we should definitely draw a hard line and cut them out of our lives, but I am a little concerned about the examples you used in your personal life. Without further detail, it may lead some people to believe that a family member that cares about them, and maybe trying to get them to see the reality or truth of the world, is toxic, I hope that nobody misunderstands. My experience overcoming the toxicity of a half sister was an excruciatingly, painful and horrific nightmare. I was forced to apply for a restraining order because of the toxicity that I felt from her but because of her utilization of a term called “tough love” I truly believed that it was me, and not her, that was the problem. Toxicity is rarely recognized until something dramatic, life altering, or some bit of information is acquired either by accident or with intention. I would encourage those people to listen to your heart, how do they make you feel? Do they show interest in you or any of your ideas, actions, or feelings? Do they want to spend time with you, or do they want you to spend time with them? Are they continuously asking you for favors while never returning any?
I love this post! Its biological family, adopted family, exes & their families & kids. Family doesnt act like family any longer. They say that blood is thicker than water…Hmmm, I am not so sure. As I have gotten older, I have blocked more and more out of my life. The hurtful things and ways they treat you, the lies, they only come around when they want or need something. The abuse. God says to forgive and you do…over and over, but there are only so many cheeks you can turn and I am NOT perfect like Him.
I have 2 sisters, exactly as described above. I did cut them both off, blocked! I didn’t want to hear from one about what the other was saying. I have recently just started talking to them again, two years later. We’ll see how long this lasts.
Enough is enough
My oldest son, I had to block from my phone and block from all of my social media, my mother passed away and left me her car, and when I gave it to my brother, he became furious with me because he thought I should’ve given it to him, he and my brother do not get along and haven’t in many years But he seems to forget that my brother was also my mother’s son, and he said horrible things to me things that I’ve yet to forgive I hate being a strained from my son, but I am not the one that said these horrible things it was him. I loved him then I love him still , I just cannot have him in my life right now and it makes me sick, I hope for better days sometime in the future but not now
Had to cut off my in-laws cold turkey. MIL was toxic and possibly mentally ill – she’s gone to 3 different ‘counselors’ with no improvement. When she didn’t have me to kick around anymore she focused on her other son’s wife. Allegedly my BIL HAD to divorce her because she was bi-polar but I think my MIL drove her crazy. Before I cut ties my SIL was ‘perfect’.
My daughter is married to a very controlling and manipulative individual. He has convinced her that I said and did things that are not true. He twisted the truth to the point that she has now told me as far as she is concerned I am no longer her mother. I have tried to talk with her but he will not allow her to be with me if he is not present. It has been over a year and I never hear from her. It breaks my heart that he has brainwashed her into believing I don’t care about her or love her. I have been told to “wash my hands” of this awful situation but she is my daughter and despite everything I do love her!